Adventures in Kangaroo Court: My First Trial - The Case of the Flying Falafel*

My client was indicted for throwing a falafel at an officer.

That's right, a falafel.

When I interviewed him about the incident he said to me: Look, I'll tell you right now, I did it. But in court I'm going to say I didn't do it.

Hmmm...I know lawyers are not known for their high ethical standards, but even for a shyster, that seemed clearly unethical to me.

So I said: How about I never put you on the stand and you never testify about anything?

And he said: Ok.

The day of the trial I reviewed with my client, in no uncertain terms, what he was supposed to do: STAY SILENT. NOT ONE PEEP!

I made preliminary motions,
I cross-examined the reporting officer,
I entered documents into evidence,
the whole nine-yards.

And do you know what happened during my closing argument? It caught me so off-guard because in all my thousands of Law & Order viewings I have never seen this happening...

The judge started arguing with me!

Me: So you see, the officer, by his own admission said that he was not facing my client when the falafel was thrown. His back was to my client.

Judge: Yeah, but he could still see clearly that it was your client because he was turning his head as he walked away.

Me: Yes, sir, but the distance between them was quite far and my client was three floors above the officer.

Judge: The officer said he clearly saw that it was your client.

Me: Uh...er...moving on...If my client had intended to hit the officer, the falafel would've landed on the officer's main body area, and not just merely grazed his shoe.

Judge: Well, your guy ain't no Manny Ramirez...like you said, he was far away...

I thought for sure I had lost the trial.

So when it was all over, I told my client: Good job keeping silent! And don't worry, we can appeal.

But we didn't need to.

We won!

*The identity of the food has been altered to protect the client's privacy.

My First Law Job

This was my first week of work.

It took all the resolve I had not to shove a pen in my eye.

I thought it would be a good experience to sign up as a student attorney for indigent people with this program run by my school. Our would-be-clients are supposed to call our hotline (collect calls, of course) to request our help. But for some reason no one has been calling.

Maybe it's because the institutions haven't figured out that we're back in business yet (the program shut down for a month while students had final exams). But for whatever reason, the phone is basically dead. And so is the workplace.

Not a day has gone by since I began, that I didn't literally fall asleep on the job. It's just too darn boring. I've become so brazen that I actually sleep right in front of my boss now (instead of sneaking off to a side room).

And the irony of it all is that when I get home everyday, I'm exhausted. I'm completely tuckered out from a full day of...well, just sitting!

Now, I suppose if I were an ideal employee I would take this time to read up on their thousand-page manuals to prepare myself for when the calls come in like a flood (which everyone has assured me they will inevitably do). But I just can't bring myself to do it.

I guess I just don't care that much about helping poor people with their petty legal issues after all...or maybe it's because I care too much. Our poor clients have nowhere else to turn. We are their last and only hope! The overwhelming burden of all that compassion just makes me so...lethargic...*yawn*.

No, but seriously, I took this job because I care so much more about helping the oppressed than helping big fat corporations, which I must inevitably do when I graduate in order to pay off my ginormous loans and get decent real-life legal training.

But if this is how unenthusiastic I am about helping a cause I care about, I can only imagine the depths of doldrums that await.

O gosh, someone just shoot me now.