Adventures in Kangaroo Court: My First Trial - The Case of the Flying Falafel*
My client was indicted for throwing a falafel at an officer.
That's right, a falafel.
When I interviewed him about the incident he said to me: Look, I'll tell you right now, I did it. But in court I'm going to say I didn't do it.
Hmmm...I know lawyers are not known for their high ethical standards, but even for a shyster, that seemed clearly unethical to me.
So I said: How about I never put you on the stand and you never testify about anything?
And he said: Ok.
The day of the trial I reviewed with my client, in no uncertain terms, what he was supposed to do: STAY SILENT. NOT ONE PEEP!
I made preliminary motions,
I cross-examined the reporting officer,
I entered documents into evidence,
the whole nine-yards.
And do you know what happened during my closing argument? It caught me so off-guard because in all my thousands of Law & Order viewings I have never seen this happening...
The judge started arguing with me!
Me: So you see, the officer, by his own admission said that he was not facing my client when the falafel was thrown. His back was to my client.
Judge: Yeah, but he could still see clearly that it was your client because he was turning his head as he walked away.
Me: Yes, sir, but the distance between them was quite far and my client was three floors above the officer.
Judge: The officer said he clearly saw that it was your client.
Me: Uh...er...moving on...If my client had intended to hit the officer, the falafel would've landed on the officer's main body area, and not just merely grazed his shoe.
Judge: Well, your guy ain't no Manny Ramirez...like you said, he was far away...
I thought for sure I had lost the trial.
So when it was all over, I told my client: Good job keeping silent! And don't worry, we can appeal.
But we didn't need to.
We won!
*The identity of the food has been altered to protect the client's privacy.
That's right, a falafel.
When I interviewed him about the incident he said to me: Look, I'll tell you right now, I did it. But in court I'm going to say I didn't do it.
Hmmm...I know lawyers are not known for their high ethical standards, but even for a shyster, that seemed clearly unethical to me.
So I said: How about I never put you on the stand and you never testify about anything?
And he said: Ok.
The day of the trial I reviewed with my client, in no uncertain terms, what he was supposed to do: STAY SILENT. NOT ONE PEEP!
I made preliminary motions,
I cross-examined the reporting officer,
I entered documents into evidence,
the whole nine-yards.
And do you know what happened during my closing argument? It caught me so off-guard because in all my thousands of Law & Order viewings I have never seen this happening...
The judge started arguing with me!
Me: So you see, the officer, by his own admission said that he was not facing my client when the falafel was thrown. His back was to my client.
Judge: Yeah, but he could still see clearly that it was your client because he was turning his head as he walked away.
Me: Yes, sir, but the distance between them was quite far and my client was three floors above the officer.
Judge: The officer said he clearly saw that it was your client.
Me: Uh...er...moving on...If my client had intended to hit the officer, the falafel would've landed on the officer's main body area, and not just merely grazed his shoe.
Judge: Well, your guy ain't no Manny Ramirez...like you said, he was far away...
I thought for sure I had lost the trial.
So when it was all over, I told my client: Good job keeping silent! And don't worry, we can appeal.
But we didn't need to.
We won!
*The identity of the food has been altered to protect the client's privacy.
posted by Alice in Wonderland at 9:15 PM
6 Comments:
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Hmmm...I didn't take the course on Professional Ethics yet (so others may, please, enlighten), but I'm sure it's ok. Who's to say I didn't make this all up out of whole cloth?
THIS IS AWESOME!!!! I laughed so hard. Yikes, Christina. I may be eating the dim sum, but you've got the crazy food case. :-)
You should submit that as a possible storyline for one of those trial shows. It could be the entertaning B story. I didn't know this is what you were doing for your summer, that's so cool!
Oh I took the professional responsibility exam in march. I think as long as you don't have your client testify, knowing that he's going to perjure himself, you're okay. They kept stressing the difference b/w ethics and morality. (although I don't think this was morally a problem either)
Congrats on winning!!!
The next time i decided to throw something at a cop, i'll make sure to contact you
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